Seaside Student Biscuits ahoy!

Week 10

I shouldn't abuse my new found blog powers for film critique, but having re-watched all six Star Wars films over the past week I feel I must share my feelings on the cinematic kick in the nuts that was, well, all of it. This would normally be the point to adequately sum up the film in a suitably sarcastic derogatory 'two-word' manner, such as; "It was crap. Two words: Anakin Skywalker". But it doesn't work for two reasons. 1) I need WAY more than two words to highlight what was so unacceptably dire, and 2) It doesn't work when you say "It was crap. 4 paragraphs..". The only person displaying a shred of acting talent in SIX FILMS was Liam Neeson, at the beginning, before he dies. You can tell Luke Skywalker is Anakin Skywalkers son before they're even introduced. Why? Because they're both whiny little bitches! The entire 2nd and 3rd films were Anakin throwing his toys out of the Pram, whilst the 4th and 5th were Luke doing the same. Only in the 6th did Luke seem to gain a little composure. They both also manage to drag out the two worst "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" scenes in the history of cinema. Nine people died during the making of the Exorcist I'm lead to believe, in an unfortunate accident. Nine people should have died during the making of Star Wars, George Lucas and the 8 main cast members sans Liam Neeson. Starting with Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman.

If you don't remember this gold nugget,

Anakin: "You are so beautiful."
Padme: "It's only because I'm so in love with you."
Anakin: "No, it's because I'm so in love with you."

The sickening part is not only was someone paid to write it, but that was shot, reshot, edited together, sold, and not ONE person stopped and said "Guys, is this not a bit shit?". The speed at which they fall in love after Padme basically telling him in no uncertain terms to go f**k himself is astonishing! "CRAP! Guys!!! We're running out of film and we've just filmed Padme telling him no for the fourth time.. They should be falling in love already!".

Another pretty amazing transition is how pedestrian the Jedi/Sith are in the last 3 films. This isn't so much a fault of the last 3 films, more George Lucas going WAY over the top with the first 3 films, but you hit the 4th and suddenly anyone wielding a light sabre moves with the speed of a large lazy St Bernard. In the first 3 you genuinely believed nothing could stop a Jedi, bar another Jedi-esque character, and even then a good old fight would ensue first (Well, apart from the bit they go to arrest S.Chancellor Palpatine/Lord Sideous and he kills 3 Jedi masters without so much as a 'En Guard!" - Naturally Samuel L then proceeds to whoop his ass - Until Anakin turns into a whiny bitch again). I'm pretty sure my gran could have taken down Darth Vader with her golf clubs.

The first 3 films reek of convenience. The story needed more than 3 films to properly develop but that just isn't Hollywood so they grabbed a VacBag and crammed it all in there anyway. The last 3 films reek of age. They're better, but only because to be worse than the first 3 you would have had to pay for your cinema ticket and receive a slap in the face instead.